hmm... i never got to keep that m-4. stupid jury trial made me miss qualifications
******************
the Father shut one door for me and kept another open. i once had a Bible teacher who told me that thinking of God's providence in our lives as "open doors and windows" was a degrading and/or bad way to think. i dont see how it changes anything. i'm glad for the opportunities none-the-less.
i've been growing more comfortable in the gym lately. working out with a buddy inspires me to work harder. and occassionaly when someone else comes in i feel the need to show off and work even harder. i'm finally seeing results. i'm finally pushing more weight. i've got some goals in mind: to look like King Leonidas from 300. to pushpress and bench my body weight. also i'd like to weigh 185. therefore i'm trying to gain weight.
another endeavor i'm on is to complete the "love dare" as seen in "fireproof". and it will be done without my wife knowing about it. (dont worry, she doesnt read this blog as far as i know - and not that i'm hiding it from her).
i'm very unsatisfied with our government and their decisions as of late. hopefully within 15 years i'll have a nice home in the middle of no where south america. at least those governments will admit that they are socialists.
my goal is to arrest one person before i get off at midnight.
12.11.2008
rifles and holiness
today Father, you got at my heart again. You told me that holiness is what i was created for. holiness in me pleases You. it glorifies You. the life of Christ in me turns the eyes of Your children back to You.
help me to take the people and situations You've placed around me and use them to renew my mind in You. i truly want to be holy. i truly want to have clean lips and a pure heart. but my strength fails me daily. and oh how i rely on that strength too often.
continue to speak oh Lord. please never let me go.
***********
in the mean time... today i get my new M-4. i'm staying up 30 hours for it, but that's quite a small price to pay. i'm just one step closer to being ready for the end.
help me to take the people and situations You've placed around me and use them to renew my mind in You. i truly want to be holy. i truly want to have clean lips and a pure heart. but my strength fails me daily. and oh how i rely on that strength too often.
continue to speak oh Lord. please never let me go.
***********
in the mean time... today i get my new M-4. i'm staying up 30 hours for it, but that's quite a small price to pay. i'm just one step closer to being ready for the end.
12.06.2008
there are times when i really think of the ends times. they are close. maybe within 100 years. i think sooner.
civilization should most likely crumble away. wars should rage. people will be slaughtered for the slightest needs.
if you dont think it's true, then go to a wal-mart on a sale day. human beings recently ripped the doors off of one store in a rush to grab entertainments electronics that were displayed at a good price. after ripping the doors off they trampled a very large man to death who was trying to make them wait until an appropriate time. he lost his life over christmas sales.
so how will it be when humans are fighting over water and food? you see now how easy it will be for the antichrist to deceive the world and to win their love. all he has to do is give them food and water and x-boxes.
my heart breaks upon seeing the state of this world. belial truly is the most deceptive being. he got the people to put their own masks on. it was a willing choice to give up character and human qualities. the masses will soon be but sheep and ready for the slaughter.
if Jehovah asks His children to endure such times we'll need supplies. we'll need to be ready to fight for basic needs. we'll need shelter. we'll need defenses. we'll need manna.
i think we should take to the mountains. they are the most defended. they have water and food.
it's discouraging to think like this. i'll stop for now.
*****************
Jesus paid for all of my sins. i wish i would stop making that pile bigger.
my heart longs to return to paraguay.
my coffee at the house has been crap lately.
i'm tired of feeding myself. it was easier when i was a child.
shoplifters are in rare form this year.
i like having a christmas tree in the livingroom.
my addiction to entertainment has not subsided any.
my wife is asking me to help clean the house.
*********
oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.
civilization should most likely crumble away. wars should rage. people will be slaughtered for the slightest needs.
if you dont think it's true, then go to a wal-mart on a sale day. human beings recently ripped the doors off of one store in a rush to grab entertainments electronics that were displayed at a good price. after ripping the doors off they trampled a very large man to death who was trying to make them wait until an appropriate time. he lost his life over christmas sales.
so how will it be when humans are fighting over water and food? you see now how easy it will be for the antichrist to deceive the world and to win their love. all he has to do is give them food and water and x-boxes.
my heart breaks upon seeing the state of this world. belial truly is the most deceptive being. he got the people to put their own masks on. it was a willing choice to give up character and human qualities. the masses will soon be but sheep and ready for the slaughter.
if Jehovah asks His children to endure such times we'll need supplies. we'll need to be ready to fight for basic needs. we'll need shelter. we'll need defenses. we'll need manna.
i think we should take to the mountains. they are the most defended. they have water and food.
it's discouraging to think like this. i'll stop for now.
*****************
Jesus paid for all of my sins. i wish i would stop making that pile bigger.
my heart longs to return to paraguay.
my coffee at the house has been crap lately.
i'm tired of feeding myself. it was easier when i was a child.
shoplifters are in rare form this year.
i like having a christmas tree in the livingroom.
my addiction to entertainment has not subsided any.
my wife is asking me to help clean the house.
*********
oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.
11.24.2008
rebirth
you see... it's like this: i once existed to fellowship with the Father and to glorify Him. it was my only purpose. others around me came second to that. my warring against the self was intrinsic and uncomplicated.
then God brought my mate into my life. it was quite earlier than i expected, but i was amazed none-the-less. she brilliantly took my heart and my mind and caused my actions to forget myself. i soon faded. i became an instrument that existed to please her. my time with God was consumed with conversation about her.
so that path was well set. i still believe that many areas of our relationship happened too soon. but that doesnt matter now. my enthusiasm could have used a leash at times. but the path was set. i had a straight and narrow road ahead with my mate at my side.
the trouble began when i turned away from the Lord. we stopped for a picnic on the side of the way and found other interests which took us to other ways. those ways werent far from the main way, but they werent where we were meant to walk. at that time i began to revert to being concerned about myself. it wasnt enough that my mate suffered. my focus being apart from Christ naturally laid rest on me. the eyes were never meant to see what Christ was not seeing. those sights are smoke and tricks.
thus i speant my time thinking about myself, wishing that things were easy for me, wishing that my time with Christ would happen automatically, wishing that my mate would be more concerned about me. unfortunately, i began wishing all of this before we were even married.
we've been one flesh for 2.5 years now. and until this past weekend i've never fully seen her as my everything. when i committed myself to her as her own mate, it was more like saying that i, me, myself, the man i knew the best... was done - his time was over. no longer did his world revolve around him. he now had a new objective... love Christ... love her. that's all. and every single time that he failed that objective it crushed her a little more.
i did try to use my first objective as an excuse... well... i am still pursuing Christ! why doesnt this work? because. it was not designed to work like that. so i very soon quit pursuing Christ. that made everything worse. soon, almost anything i did or said crushed her a little more. at times i crushed her very badly. her heart began to grow cold and stoney.
without much more review than that, God crushed me this weekend. at a mens retreat, in montreat, nc. He revealed to my blinded, stupid eyes that i was being the most selfish of all. i had prevented her from blossoming into the woman she was meant to be. i had prevented her from fully walking with the Lord. i had caused her to hate me in ways and to not love me in others. all the while accusing her of failing as my mate.
in humble brokeness i asked my mate's heavenly Father as well as my own for forgiveness. i confessed my sin. then i came home to my mate, looked into her tired, burdened eyes and confessed all to her. as the Father spoke through me i saw a veil lift from her eyes. i saw a weight fall from her shoulders. i saw a dying ember rekindeled in her spirit. she cried, she smiled, she kissed me with passion. i committed myself before her and before the Father that i would not fail her in this way again. i set us back on the right way. i swore to fight with all my strength to keep my self behind and to keep my sight set on the new objective. Christ is everything. his daugher is everything. i am nothing.
it is beautiful that way. it is right. my mate smiles now. peace is returning to her soul.
oh Lord, i will now need a reguard. i will need a shield and a helmet. the fight will be hard fought.
then God brought my mate into my life. it was quite earlier than i expected, but i was amazed none-the-less. she brilliantly took my heart and my mind and caused my actions to forget myself. i soon faded. i became an instrument that existed to please her. my time with God was consumed with conversation about her.
so that path was well set. i still believe that many areas of our relationship happened too soon. but that doesnt matter now. my enthusiasm could have used a leash at times. but the path was set. i had a straight and narrow road ahead with my mate at my side.
the trouble began when i turned away from the Lord. we stopped for a picnic on the side of the way and found other interests which took us to other ways. those ways werent far from the main way, but they werent where we were meant to walk. at that time i began to revert to being concerned about myself. it wasnt enough that my mate suffered. my focus being apart from Christ naturally laid rest on me. the eyes were never meant to see what Christ was not seeing. those sights are smoke and tricks.
thus i speant my time thinking about myself, wishing that things were easy for me, wishing that my time with Christ would happen automatically, wishing that my mate would be more concerned about me. unfortunately, i began wishing all of this before we were even married.
we've been one flesh for 2.5 years now. and until this past weekend i've never fully seen her as my everything. when i committed myself to her as her own mate, it was more like saying that i, me, myself, the man i knew the best... was done - his time was over. no longer did his world revolve around him. he now had a new objective... love Christ... love her. that's all. and every single time that he failed that objective it crushed her a little more.
i did try to use my first objective as an excuse... well... i am still pursuing Christ! why doesnt this work? because. it was not designed to work like that. so i very soon quit pursuing Christ. that made everything worse. soon, almost anything i did or said crushed her a little more. at times i crushed her very badly. her heart began to grow cold and stoney.
without much more review than that, God crushed me this weekend. at a mens retreat, in montreat, nc. He revealed to my blinded, stupid eyes that i was being the most selfish of all. i had prevented her from blossoming into the woman she was meant to be. i had prevented her from fully walking with the Lord. i had caused her to hate me in ways and to not love me in others. all the while accusing her of failing as my mate.
in humble brokeness i asked my mate's heavenly Father as well as my own for forgiveness. i confessed my sin. then i came home to my mate, looked into her tired, burdened eyes and confessed all to her. as the Father spoke through me i saw a veil lift from her eyes. i saw a weight fall from her shoulders. i saw a dying ember rekindeled in her spirit. she cried, she smiled, she kissed me with passion. i committed myself before her and before the Father that i would not fail her in this way again. i set us back on the right way. i swore to fight with all my strength to keep my self behind and to keep my sight set on the new objective. Christ is everything. his daugher is everything. i am nothing.
it is beautiful that way. it is right. my mate smiles now. peace is returning to her soul.
oh Lord, i will now need a reguard. i will need a shield and a helmet. the fight will be hard fought.
11.12.2008
a long camping trip
the Word describes our bodies as tents. when you go camping and sleep in a tent, i dont think too many people would expect a four seasons experience. it's nylon and plastic. you expect it to leak, you expect it to mold, you expect it to rip and break down. it doesnt keep all the bugs out and it doesnt keep the cold out. i've never become angry at the tent or the company that made the tent because of all that.
why then, do i become angry or disappointed, when my body doesnt work right? or when it gets sick? unless my hygiene and diet is terrible i dont have much to do with the break down and sickness issues. God oversees all of that. He orders when parts should break, be diseased, mold, etc... and He orders when and if they should heal or be repaired. maybe we should actually rejoice with these illnesses because they, in essence, draw us closer to eternity. your body doesnt recuperate from the second heart attack like it does the first. each break and tear brings your tent closer to being discarded for an eternal glory.
we're waiting on "life" to swallow up the mortal parts of us. illness and brokenness go hand in hand with trials of your faith. it's obvious what ways you can be tried through severe illnesses. but i wonder if our enemy would be early defeated if we kept the mindset that the illness was moving us closer to our eternal home? is that view too sadistic? i dont know. more pondering is needed there.
*******
in the mean time... my profession here on earth right now is being a police officer. God led me to this work nearly two years ago. so i'll tell stories and i'll rant and rave against the "system" from time to time.
today i'm ranting. too easily can defendants ask for jury trials. our system of "innocent until proven guilty" has its good and bad aspects. good because innocent people can be liberated from false charges. but bad because guilty people can drag out the process and even get away with their crimes. when you get that dreaded blue ticket from the officer you have a court date to come speak to a judge. you can be tried right then and there in a "bench trial" or you can request a jury trial. bench trials are the best. i present my case, the defendant babbles about some useless information, and the judge finds them guilty.
but jury trials... the defendant gets a court date about 2 months down the road. then the case gets passed on to the solicitor. the solicitor tries to work out plea bargains with the defendant so the issue doesnt have to go to trial. if nothing works, a trial is scheduled. working that in to the officer's crazy schedule is very difficult. then all the jury trials are squeezed into one week. several poor juries are hammered with cases all week. by the end of the week they are sick of officers and courts and they find everybody not guilty. sneaky, evil defense attorneys play up irrelevant points and the juries feel like the "Man" is keeping a brother down and they find him not guilty.
and the costs involved from the time the officer makes a charge until the time he is found not guilty and the charge is erased from his record.... is 30 times more than what the find of his charge was. it's much more if he gets his own lawyer. i've seen guys pay $1000 for a lawyer to get out of a $150 ticket! the courts lose money, the state loses money, and cases get backlogged for years all because everybody has a damn right to a jury trial.
i think jury trials should be limited to severe cases... or at least cases with fines over $500. i'm sick of having juries decide for me whether or not i really saw that guy run a red light. they werent there. how could they fairly decide?
anyways.... today i have jury trials. and i dont want to have them.
why then, do i become angry or disappointed, when my body doesnt work right? or when it gets sick? unless my hygiene and diet is terrible i dont have much to do with the break down and sickness issues. God oversees all of that. He orders when parts should break, be diseased, mold, etc... and He orders when and if they should heal or be repaired. maybe we should actually rejoice with these illnesses because they, in essence, draw us closer to eternity. your body doesnt recuperate from the second heart attack like it does the first. each break and tear brings your tent closer to being discarded for an eternal glory.
we're waiting on "life" to swallow up the mortal parts of us. illness and brokenness go hand in hand with trials of your faith. it's obvious what ways you can be tried through severe illnesses. but i wonder if our enemy would be early defeated if we kept the mindset that the illness was moving us closer to our eternal home? is that view too sadistic? i dont know. more pondering is needed there.
*******
in the mean time... my profession here on earth right now is being a police officer. God led me to this work nearly two years ago. so i'll tell stories and i'll rant and rave against the "system" from time to time.
today i'm ranting. too easily can defendants ask for jury trials. our system of "innocent until proven guilty" has its good and bad aspects. good because innocent people can be liberated from false charges. but bad because guilty people can drag out the process and even get away with their crimes. when you get that dreaded blue ticket from the officer you have a court date to come speak to a judge. you can be tried right then and there in a "bench trial" or you can request a jury trial. bench trials are the best. i present my case, the defendant babbles about some useless information, and the judge finds them guilty.
but jury trials... the defendant gets a court date about 2 months down the road. then the case gets passed on to the solicitor. the solicitor tries to work out plea bargains with the defendant so the issue doesnt have to go to trial. if nothing works, a trial is scheduled. working that in to the officer's crazy schedule is very difficult. then all the jury trials are squeezed into one week. several poor juries are hammered with cases all week. by the end of the week they are sick of officers and courts and they find everybody not guilty. sneaky, evil defense attorneys play up irrelevant points and the juries feel like the "Man" is keeping a brother down and they find him not guilty.
and the costs involved from the time the officer makes a charge until the time he is found not guilty and the charge is erased from his record.... is 30 times more than what the find of his charge was. it's much more if he gets his own lawyer. i've seen guys pay $1000 for a lawyer to get out of a $150 ticket! the courts lose money, the state loses money, and cases get backlogged for years all because everybody has a damn right to a jury trial.
i think jury trials should be limited to severe cases... or at least cases with fines over $500. i'm sick of having juries decide for me whether or not i really saw that guy run a red light. they werent there. how could they fairly decide?
anyways.... today i have jury trials. and i dont want to have them.
11.10.2008
home
my favorite place to be right now is my own bed. i like my bedroom the best out of all the rooms in my apartment because it is serene and it is where i rest and it is where i spend time with my wife. crawling into bed when i'm tired truly makes me happy even if i have to get up a few hours later for work. in that room jamie and i play and fight without inhibitions. it's a quiet room.
the Word says that we should experience our Heavenly home the same way while still here on earth. if God truly is our eternal home then we should find that same happiness, rest, and liberty to be ourselves while we're with Him. sometimes i find time with God dry and unfocused. maybe i'm thinking too much about my earthly bed during those times?
speaking of earthly homes... mine needs some attention.
the Word says that we should experience our Heavenly home the same way while still here on earth. if God truly is our eternal home then we should find that same happiness, rest, and liberty to be ourselves while we're with Him. sometimes i find time with God dry and unfocused. maybe i'm thinking too much about my earthly bed during those times?
speaking of earthly homes... mine needs some attention.
11.09.2008
new beginning
today starts my official switch from xanga to this blog. friends seemed to slowly lose interest in xanga even though we read of each other for years there. this is a shot into the dark. no promises. no expectations. i'll just write for now.
i have no planned direction for this blog. maybe versatility would be the best ground work for me. i lack the discipline to stick with a plan anyways. moving with the flow of life around me is what i enjoy and am good at.
today... i was privileged enough to help lead worship at church. after having been removed from the worship scene for some time now, i am rejoicing at the opportunity to serve Christ in this way. what a blessing to be used as a channel through which rivers of living water can flow to those around me. we learned today how hevel life is without Christ. human life was never intended to be lived apart from Christ. that is why it does not work without Him. that is why those who gain the world by their own strength find themselves in despair at life's end. and that is why those who sacrifice the most for the sake of knowing Christ experience joy even through times of devastating trials.
most certainly everything rests on our Hope. . . our hope of a future perfection and glorification. without that hope all life is vanity and meaningless.
i have no planned direction for this blog. maybe versatility would be the best ground work for me. i lack the discipline to stick with a plan anyways. moving with the flow of life around me is what i enjoy and am good at.
today... i was privileged enough to help lead worship at church. after having been removed from the worship scene for some time now, i am rejoicing at the opportunity to serve Christ in this way. what a blessing to be used as a channel through which rivers of living water can flow to those around me. we learned today how hevel life is without Christ. human life was never intended to be lived apart from Christ. that is why it does not work without Him. that is why those who gain the world by their own strength find themselves in despair at life's end. and that is why those who sacrifice the most for the sake of knowing Christ experience joy even through times of devastating trials.
most certainly everything rests on our Hope. . . our hope of a future perfection and glorification. without that hope all life is vanity and meaningless.
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