rebirth

you see... it's like this: i once existed to fellowship with the Father and to glorify Him. it was my only purpose. others around me came second to that. my warring against the self was intrinsic and uncomplicated.

then God brought my mate into my life. it was quite earlier than i expected, but i was amazed none-the-less. she brilliantly took my heart and my mind and caused my actions to forget myself. i soon faded. i became an instrument that existed to please her. my time with God was consumed with conversation about her.

so that path was well set. i still believe that many areas of our relationship happened too soon. but that doesnt matter now. my enthusiasm could have used a leash at times. but the path was set. i had a straight and narrow road ahead with my mate at my side.

the trouble began when i turned away from the Lord. we stopped for a picnic on the side of the way and found other interests which took us to other ways. those ways werent far from the main way, but they werent where we were meant to walk. at that time i began to revert to being concerned about myself. it wasnt enough that my mate suffered. my focus being apart from Christ naturally laid rest on me. the eyes were never meant to see what Christ was not seeing. those sights are smoke and tricks.

thus i speant my time thinking about myself, wishing that things were easy for me, wishing that my time with Christ would happen automatically, wishing that my mate would be more concerned about me. unfortunately, i began wishing all of this before we were even married.

we've been one flesh for 2.5 years now. and until this past weekend i've never fully seen her as my everything. when i committed myself to her as her own mate, it was more like saying that i, me, myself, the man i knew the best... was done - his time was over. no longer did his world revolve around him. he now had a new objective... love Christ... love her. that's all. and every single time that he failed that objective it crushed her a little more.

i did try to use my first objective as an excuse... well... i am still pursuing Christ! why doesnt this work? because. it was not designed to work like that. so i very soon quit pursuing Christ. that made everything worse. soon, almost anything i did or said crushed her a little more. at times i crushed her very badly. her heart began to grow cold and stoney.

without much more review than that, God crushed me this weekend. at a mens retreat, in montreat, nc. He revealed to my blinded, stupid eyes that i was being the most selfish of all. i had prevented her from blossoming into the woman she was meant to be. i had prevented her from fully walking with the Lord. i had caused her to hate me in ways and to not love me in others. all the while accusing her of failing as my mate.

in humble brokeness i asked my mate's heavenly Father as well as my own for forgiveness. i confessed my sin. then i came home to my mate, looked into her tired, burdened eyes and confessed all to her. as the Father spoke through me i saw a veil lift from her eyes. i saw a weight fall from her shoulders. i saw a dying ember rekindeled in her spirit. she cried, she smiled, she kissed me with passion. i committed myself before her and before the Father that i would not fail her in this way again. i set us back on the right way. i swore to fight with all my strength to keep my self behind and to keep my sight set on the new objective. Christ is everything. his daugher is everything. i am nothing.

it is beautiful that way. it is right. my mate smiles now. peace is returning to her soul.

oh Lord, i will now need a reguard. i will need a shield and a helmet. the fight will be hard fought.